The Adventures of Elmo and Apu

Elmo is on his way home from town, and decides to pick up a few last minute items at the new Minit-Mart that just opened up. Ever one in town was talking about the place. Seemed some fella from the Middle East had gutted out Luke Zendel's old general store at the edge of town, and made a little mart out of it. He actually had no last minute items he needed, but his curiousity got holt of him, and he couldn't fight it.

Elmo walked through the front doors cautiously. There he was behind the counter. Wonder if he speaks English? He walked over to him, and using his best broken English, looked at him queerly and yelled: "You comprenday English?!!"

Apu turned from cleaning the frostie machine and looked back at Elmo with bloodshot, swollen eyes. It made Elmo step back a pace. He had a big white tag over his heart that said "Apu". And below that "Mini-Mart Owner".

Apu didn't say anything. But every 15 seconds his cheeks would slowly puff out, and he would unleash a loud "whatchooooo!!". (He thought this was how Americans sneezed. During the unleashing process, he would actually say "whatchooooo!!". Probably picked it up in a comic book somewhere). Afterward his eyes would squint, and he would shudder, like he just swallowered a cockroach. It was somewhat amusing to watch, but also a little unsettling.

Elmo stared at him with hesitation, as if something unexplainable would hurl from those huge nostrils and cause him bodily harm.

[Elmo] - "Uuhh". He looked at the white tag. "Ya know, yer face looks like a bloated dead cow in the hot sun, A-poooo, is it?"

[Apu] - “Yed I am Apu, watchooo! It seem I have catched de cold. What can I do for you?”

[Elmo] - "Careful, there." He looked down at the front of his shirt, but didn't see any unrecognized foreign nose matter. "Well, A-poooo, I noticed ya had somethin' new goin' here, and I stopped in to see more about it." Elmo looked around the Minit-mart. "Thought maybe I'd try a bag o' them Minits. Don't see any though, course I don't really know what a Minit looks like."

[Apu] - "Bag o' Minits? Oh yed, dey are by de checkout. WATCHOOOO!" He wiped his nose with his shirt sleeve. "Not too many people talk to me, dat is a nice hat."

[Elmo] - Looks around again, and sees he is already standing at the checkout. Looks for Bag o' Minits, but all he sees is Bag o' MINTS. He decides to let it go. "Why is it, you spose, no one talks to ya?"

[Apu] - He shrugs his shoulders. "Cood be because I am sick, but I'm dinking id's because I don't sell de sacred cow here."

[Elmo] - He began to feel kinda sorry for the fella. Half of what he said didn't make no sense and it weren't his fault he was sick. Lookin' at Apu's shirt sleeve, which resembled something out of an alien movie, you could tell it had been a humdinger so far. "Ya know, A-pooo, the missus conjures up a mighty powerful potion for the sickiness runnin' around in ya. Works for me when I get to hackin' and wheezin'. I can get'er to fix ya up some if ya got a hankerin'."

Apu broke out into a sneezing fit. One after the other. Between each one, his bloodshot eyes got big and then squinted right before the next one. The man was a mess. Before Apu could answer, Elmo went out the door and drove the mile or so to his house. There, he grabbed some of "Ma's Magic Potion" out of the medicine cabinet and headed back to the store.

Apu was where he left him, jerking about violently behind the counter, annointing everything within 20 feet of him with disease-ridden mucous. It DID remind Elmo of that alien movie him and the missus saw once.

And who knows, watchooo could be an alien word used when they needed to violently clear their noses. Hard to tell with these furinners.

[Elmo] - He ran up and deposited the formula on the counter. "Here ya go, A-pooo. Throw some of this down yer gullet, and you'll be a new man."

[Apu] - "Dank you, dat is to be most helpful." Apu threw back his head and drank it down. Upon tasting it, his eyes grew wide. He began to gag as he choked the rest of it down. "Dat is vedy gooooood, dank you vedy much." Apu coughed a little more and made a sour face.

Apu just stood there with a sour face, for what seemed like hours. Neither man moved. Elmo looked at Apu inquisitively. He wasn't sure if Apu would suffer from a violent reaction or not, and Apu was feelin' the good runnin' through his body.

Suddenly, as if struck from heaven with a happy bolt, Apu began jumping up and down. His eyes grew wide, and he was smiling. He jumped over the counter, and before poor Elmo could defend himself, Apu grabbed him and hugged him, and made him jump up and down with him. He yelled "Dank you! It's vedy goooood" "Dank you!" over and over again, while the two of them jumped up and down around the store together, hugging and laughing and knocking over groceries.

After 10 minutes of what you would have to call hug dancing, Apu let Elmo go and danced like a fairy about the store, emitting sounds of glee in some foreign language. He spun in circles, and flitted his arms out as he did so. He was light on his feet, and felt he could fly.

Elmo stood back in amazement. He found the rapid rate of Apu's recovery interesting. The missus had always told him to only take a tablespoon a day, and never more. She said too much of it would make your skin run up your limbs and into your underwear. Apu had drunk the whole bottle. Guess he forgot to tell him that part.

Apu was still flitting about the place. Elmo ran behind him, arms outstretched, trying to get his attention.

[Elmo] - "Hay there, A-poooo. Hold up there. How are ya feelin'? What does it feel like to ya?"

[Apu] - "Oh it is vedy goooood indeed. I don't dink I'll be sick again for some times. Oh yed, id is feeling like karma has come to my poor life."

Apu suddenly stopped his convulted dancing, and stood in front of Elmo. He felt like he had made a friend. A GOOD friend, who cared about him. He smiled, showing large white teeth. He held Elmo by the shoulders.

[Apu] - "I dink dat dis is da begining to many goooood times, my new friend. Vedy gooood times, indeed."

[Elmo] - New friend? Elmo didn't know if he liked that idea. But, then again, the poor guy DID need someone literate like himself to keep an eye on him. Apu had no other friends. Everyone in town avoided him like the plague. Folks here don't take much to strangers from a strange land. Just the other day, Abner Littlefield got an email from a foreign country telling him his penis wasn't big enough. That didn't help foreign relations any. Aah. What the heck. No harm in being his friend. Maybe give it a try and see what happens. He held Apu by the shoulders. "Friends it is, my darker friend. Friends it is."

Elmo smiled, and Apu smiled, and they began gleefully hug dancing around the store again. Once Apu stopped and said, "Please to be careful knocking groceries" and they kept right on dancing, knocking over groceries.

Little did either of them know the path their relationship would take.